Smiles... Prayers... Grace!

My deepest thoughts on spirituality and life lessons.

Friday, February 22, 2013

In the Seasons

I

Seasons come and go. It's what they say of life.
...While I struggle to see beyond my sleepless baggy eyes and overflowing sink and hamper.

This too shall pass. A supposed comfort they give.
...While I finally "pass out" from exhaustion to be awakened with needy cries moments later.

They somehow have ended up with a different perspective on this dismal season of life.
But how can I ever hope to view things differently under my permanent ball cap hair-do and through my cereal smudged glasses?

God help me!

Come to me, and I will give you rest.
But I can't add one more thing.

Don't add anything, come to me.
Where are you?

I abide in you, don't you remember?
So you're here?

Rest and go inside.
Breathe deeply and feel my presence.
You and I meet here.
Be still and listen and my view will become your view.
Come to me and I will give you rest.
Thank you.

You are always welcome, my love.


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


II

In all seasons, the ebbs and flows, the ups and downs, God is always there. That's what they say.
...While I struggle to make sense of my life.

When you only see one set of footprints, it's because He is carrying you. That's how the poem reads.
...While I lay here with the weight of the world on me.

They seem to find purpose in this kind of season of waiting and wondering.
But I see myself fulfilled there, not here. This season is no fun. Where is the purpose in that?

God help me!

I have come to give you life; abundant life; life to the fullest.
I don't see abundance or fullness at all right now.

Because you're not content.
I know. How can I be?

Begin seeing through my lenses.
How?

Be aware, look and listen.
I will show you abundance right here, where you are.
Look and listen.
It is here.
I have come to give you life.
Thank you.

You are always welcome, my love.


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


III

There is a season for everything; a time to be born, a time to die. That's what they say: Solomon and the Byrds.
...While I writhe and wail one minute, falling paralyzed the next, from the weeping, the mourning, and the pain.

He's in a better place now; praying for your strength. Incompetent condolences they offer.
...While I stare at a gaping hole in my weak heart, desperately longing for my confidant.

They are clearly in another season, and can speak of such things with mysterious ease.
But I am stuck in this dizzying repetitive spiral of grief. How will this dreadful season ever end?

God help me!

 I am here. It will get easier. 
But how?

Go through it. I am with you.
I'm stuck.

I know. Go through it. I am with you.
Okay, but I am weak.

Let me be your guide through the valley.
You don't need strength.
You need me.
I am your haven and your strength.
Come on, let's take the next step together.
Thank you.

You are always welcome, my love.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

True Self Love

Do you have Self Love?

My guess is that you just answered something like, "Well it depends on what she means by that. Is she talking about the bad self love or the good self love? Is she talking from a religious view or a world view?"

If you ask people about Self Love, you'll get widely differing thoughts and ideas on the topic. For some it is heralded as of utmost importance for a healthy, thriving psyche: one must love oneself. Others see it as opposing scripture and a godly worldview, and thus His purpose for us: instead one must deny oneself.

So, which is it!?

I would like to submit that it is most definitely both! What it comes down to is that we should possess Self Love and practice Self Denial. And the two are inextricably intertwined.

The co-importance and co-existence of Self Love and Self Denial is one of those amazing, mysterious paradoxes of life. The kind you have to dig deep into and chew on. The kind that can constantly ping back and forth inside your mind. It is one of those paradoxes that, if we will be content to live within instead of trying to make sense of, we will find ourselves carried by.

There are two very different types of self love. As one increases, the other decreases. One is definitely of utmost importance, and the other is a detriment to life and purpose.

The self love of inappropriate indulgence, arrogance, gluttony and pleasure is the destructive kind. This kind of self love goes against all that God wants for us. This is the kind of self love that puts our carnal wants and desires above others. It is out for our own glory and gain. If we are honest with ourselves, we know it well. It leads to addictions, to relationship issues, to greed, and ultimately to intense unhappiness - which unfortunately we usually choose to respond to with more of this kind of harmful self love. And for most of us, this kind of living produces guilt, self-hatred, and withdrawal from our relationship with God, which prevents us from living the life we were made to live.

But there is another kind of true Self Love that is of utmost importance, which actually works to bring us out of the depths of the wrong kind of self love. It is that of seeing ourselves the way God sees us.  God, even in our broken, messed up state, sees who He created us to be, and He loves us more deeply than we can even imagine. He loves us in spite of us, because he made us, he knows us, and he wants the very best for us.

You know this kind of love. You've heard how much God loves you, and you even believe it. But, do you have that kind of love for yourself? Do you truly see yourself the way God sees you and love yourself deeply? Do you love yourself in spite of your mistakes and wrong choices? OR do you struggle with guilt and self-directed anger over the way you are? Do you hate the way you look or act or keep messing up? If you cannot love yourself the way God loves you, you will also struggle to live the life you were made to live.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

In this season of Lent, it has been interesting to me that the more I meditate on my own brokenness and sin, God keeps leading me to this: a true Self Love in the midst of my humble position.

You see, if we cannot come to have that right and good kind of Self Love, then we cannot even hope to fulfill one of the greatest commandments Jesus gave us, to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. How would you treat your neighbor if you treat them like you treat yourself?

It is no wonder many of us struggle to have energy, time, and desire to give of ourselves to others. We cannot get to the point of true Self Denial because we have not come to the point of true Self Love first. The more we develop a true Self Love (as God loves us), the more wholeheartedly we can practice Self Denial: taking up our cross he has called us to bear, emptying of ourselves for the sake of others, and loving with an unexplainable Love.

When psychologists, counselors, and motivational speakers talk about "loving yourself more," some of us in the church have tended to push against that, deciding that it is counter to the Way of a Christian. But I think we need to clarify which kind of loving ourselves are we against, and which kind we desperately need to be for.

What we need to be against is the kind of love of self that makes the world revolve around us, the kind our culture bathes in (often church culture, and church-goers, as well).  The more we pursue our own carnal feelings and desires above all else, the further we get from the truth of who we are in Christ. And once we cannot see who we are in Christ anymore, we lose the vital true Self Love that is at the core of our relationship with Christ. Instead, self-loathing lies beneath the veneer of happiness and success, and we are numb and unable to love ourselves, much less anyone around us.

However, we must be for true Self Love. It is the very thing God intends for us to have. The better we get at it, the more He can use us! If we truly love ourselves, we will have love for others and be able to choose Self-Denial in the way Christ has called us to. We will truly be able to love our neighbors as we love ourselves.

I believe we have an epidemic - not only in our world, but even in the Church - of precious souls not understanding their worth and purpose, and not truly loving themselves. We either deny our identity in Christ and indulge in self-pleasure, or we are riddled with guilt and self-loathing rather than love. That is NOT God's desire. He desperately wants us to know our prized worth to Him and His purposes. He loves us, no matter what. And He knows that if we understand our worth, and love ourselves as He does, we can then fulfill the role He desires for us: as servants to others and vessels in His hands.

Therefore, we must love ourselves. It's good. It's biblical. It's what He so desperately wants us to do.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
 
These questions lie before each of us now. I have been pondering the answers for myself. Maybe it's your turn.
  • Do I love myself?
  • What things do I tell myself about me?
  • Are they words God would say to me?
  • Do I find myself truly having the capacity to deny myself and to love others?
  • Which kind of self love am I doing the most of?



Monday, February 18, 2013

Why Lent?

In our world of excess, instant-gratification, and self-indulgence, this topic is just not appropriate!

Depriving myself for the purpose of self-examination and focus on Truth. Choosing to align myself with Christ's sufferings. Acknowledging my sinfulness and depravity. Dwelling on my own brokenness, and Christ's death.

Yuck. That's just depressing! This smiley, positive girl just wants to ignore all that!

Why in the world should I do all those Lent things? Won't it just bring me down? Won't focusing on all my junk just make me want to give up?

And shouldn't I dwell on positive things? Don't I need to just focus on grace covering my sins, and let that negative stuff go?  Jesus is Alive, not dead, and why should anything else matter?

Um, well, let's hash this out, Kim...
(Yes, these kinds of conversations actually play out in my head sometimes.)

As Scripture says in Ecclesiastes, "For everything there is a season." While I should definitely focus on positive things, let grace flow abundantly, and clearly understand that Resurrection happened and happens, this 40 days of the 365 we're given each year is a time for acknowledging and understanding what is behind that grace, love, and resurrection. There is immense purpose and power in self-denial and self-reflection. For when we humble ourselves, we find ourselves.

The observance of Lent helps us realign ourselves with the truth of our position. It helps us see ourselves in proper perspective, and gives reminds us of our proper posture. When we distance ourselves from our self-indulgent life, we are able to gain a clearer perspective of who we really are.

Who am I that You are mindful of me, God? I am but one small flicker of a candle. I am but a millisecond in infinity. I but a drop in the ocean. I am one breath in the wind. I am nothing.

Christ's humility, his servanthood, his sufferings, and his obedience to the point of death, all preceded his resurrection and exaltation (Philippians 2:5-11). Accordingly, the practice of Lent seeks to bring me into alignment with Christ. It places me within my own humility, suffering, servant position and obedience. Then and only then, can I experience the resurrection and exaltation with Christ, too.

God longs to resurrect me from all that is not the True Me, and exalt me to the point of being exactly who I am created to be: a child of His, gifted and purposed to be a blessing. ... But first comes humility, my proper position.

Yes, I know our culture can barely stand a 5 minute wait in front of the microwave, a distracted waitress at a restaurant, or an uncomfortable chair in a doctors office. But those of us who are spiritually aware can handle this. We absolutely will benefit from this small but acute practice of self-denial and self-examination, called Lent. We really must choose on occasion to descend into our own souls to discover what is there. Observing Lent gives us that extremely important opportunity.

And so here I find myself observing Lent. This positive, upbeat girl is daily meditating on my nothingness, on my brokenness, on my constant need for cleansing, and on my humble position, all the while listening to God. For the practice of "taking something off", this plump and food-loving girl is also voluntarily abstaining from sweets. When I am tempted to treat my taste buds, I am reminded that there is something much, much better than sweets that I choose to consume. And for the practice of  "putting something on" this girl who can mostly be found at my desk and on the computer is choosing to be active and outside more, playing with my kids and saying yes to them more.

These small practices work to bring my mind, my body, and my spirit together for necessary refining. It's hardly suffering, and it's very doable.

And the anticipation of Easter Sunday increases with each day!
I can hardly wait to celebrate LIFE once again!

The waiting is good.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

An Amazing Story

You just never know what normal circumstance can lead to a major journey in your life, if you are only open to it.

A family vacation to Honduras has turned into a life-long connection to Central America - not only for my sister and her family who went on the vacation, but to our whole extended family and many friends new and old.

My sister, Jenny Reynolds, her husband, Dustin, their two girls, a friend, Kayla, and my mother, Patty, all went on a family vacation to Honduras in May of 2010, almost 3 years ago. They rented a house for the week, and had a glorious time. The caretakers of the house were the Toro family, a young married couple - with seven children! My nieces enjoyed playing around with the kids the whole week; baseball was a favorite. The Toros were very poor. They lived in a small shack near the vacation home while the father cared for its grounds and the mother cooked and cleaned for its patrons. This family had a love for life and for each other that stood out as a beacon of light. By the end of the trip, the two families had bonded in an almost unexplainable way. The Reynolds and the Toros. Different countries. Different cultures. Different socio-economic levels. Different languages. But forever connected.

Seeing the maturity, the intelligence, the charisma, and the sweet spirits of these precious people, Jenny and Dustin felt compelled to help them out of their poverty. When they returned from their vacation, they shared pictures and stories about their trip and the Toros with our whole extended family. Jenny and my mom would mention the Toros in conversation so that we all began to feel a connection to them. Jenny stayed in touch with Reina, the mother - mainly via text messages in broken Spanish. Whatever the differences, the bond ran deep.

However, it wasn't long before terribly troubling times came upon the Toro family. At first we all were thrilled when Reina became pregnant with their 8th child. A little girl was born in March of 2011, and they named her Jenny Abigail (after my sister and oldest niece). However, during the pregnancy when Reina had gotten some prenatal care, they discovered she had cancer. After Baby Jenny's birth, Reina moved temporarily to the local city to receive treatment. Jenny, Dustin and my mother helped to provide the needed funds for her comfort and care. At times when Concho, the father, traveled to the city to be with Reina, Baby Jenny, was left in the care of their oldest child, 14-year-old, Cindi. Baby Jenny became sick with a respiratory illness, and while mother and father were away, 3 month old Baby Jenny Abigail tragically died in June of 2011.

Deeply saddened and compelled by the situation, Jenny and Dustin and my mother decided to travel back to Honduras to visit the family and to find some property they could afford and purchase for the Toro family. The idea was that if they could own a vacation home like the one they had rented a year before, then they could hire the Toro family themselves, and more easily assure their care and opportunity for climbing out of, not only deep poverty, but this new deep despair as well.

They visited Reina in the hospital and promised to care for her family. They brought new clothes for all the kids, a couple of laptops, bibles, and other fun items to the Toros. The trip proved to be uplifting for both families, and brought hope in the midst of such dire circumstances. 

While no property was found on that trip, Jenny and Dustin returned a month later, and through what we now know to be Divine guiding, promptings and meetings, they found a perfect home on Lake Atitlan in neighboring Guatemala. Purchase of the home was also distinctly Divinely orchestrated, as the exact needed funds became available through a one time fluke circumstance. It was obvious what the money was meant for.

But once again, tragedy struck the Toro family. In August 2011 - a week after Jenny and Dusty returned to the States from finding the house in Guatemala - Concho, the father, died very unexpectedly of a heart attack in his sleep. The Toro children were now left with a very ill mother, no father, and grief beyond belief over the death of their youngest baby sister and their beloved father. We all wondered, How much can this family take? and pleaded with God for His mercy on them! It also was becoming acutely evident that the calling Jenny and Dustin had to take care of this family was perfectly providential.

Cindi, Reina, Juana, and Concho
The owner of the vacation home wanted to help the Toros as much as possible, but could not employ their family for much longer, as there was no one to care for the grounds or cook or clean to the capacity that was needed. Therefore Concho's sister Juana and her two children came to live with the Toro children, along with a young man, Wilson, their cousin - to care for them and their ill mother, Reina, and help as caretaker and cook of the vacation home.

Meanwhile, our entire family became even more invested in praying for and working to help the Toro family. God had led Jenny and Dustin to love this family in a way that defies reason or logic, and that love spread to the rest of us, as well. I have never met the Toros, but I feel as if I know them and love them, too. There is a connection deeper than flesh and blood, that crosses borders and miles, cultures and language.

In 2005 when Hurricane Katrina hit Louisiana, Jenny had begun a small, non-profit organization. It's work had mainly come to a close by 2010 as the victims of Katrina were all back to a new normal. Relief Missions of Louisiana was begun with the mission to serve those in crisis, and now it's work had reason to expand beyond Louisiana! Relief Missions began to serve the Toro family in Honduras. Friends and family gave to Relief Missions (and continue to today) for the benefit of the Toro children.

Reina lost her battle with cancer at the end of October 2011. Before her death, she had a conversation with Jenny. She asked Jenny to be Mama to her children, and Jenny, of course, said she would care for them as her own. If it were not for the Reynolds and Relief Missions, the Toro children most certainly would have become wards of the state and split up to different deficient state orphanages. Instead, through funds given through Relief Missions and by the Reynolds personally, and under Jenny's guidance, Juana and Wilson have helped to keep the Toro children safe, fed, in school, and with a roof over their heads for the last year and a half. Before their deaths, Concho and Reina had both been more than agreeable about moving the family to Guatemala to begin a better life. So, following their deaths, the very long process of granting custody of the children to Juana and Wilson, and then securing passports for each of them began.

It has been a year and a half, but finally - after many prayers lifted up, lots of funds spent, and multiple obstacles mounted - all of the court work and paperwork has been cleared for the Toro family to finally move into their new home in the little town of Cerro de Oro along Lake Atitlan, Guatemala! The children will begin school in a bigger, better school. They will - for the first time ever - each have their own bed and have space to sit around a table in their home to eat a meal. And they will begin the work as caretakers of the vacation home on the Lake. They will have opportunities for more jobs, better health care, and more educational and enriching experiences there. God has a whole world of potential in those precious children. Who knows what He will do through this family of 11! I for one can't wait to find out!

There is much, much more to this very real, and still unfolding story, that began with a family vacation.  More details and intricacies which include dreams and miracles, the music industry and names you'd recognize, religions and governments, and God weaving many lives together through this incredible journey. It may sound like a novel or me being overly dramatic, but it's true. I'll leave those details for another day.

What is so amazing to me, and the reason I wanted to share this, is how a tiny spark can be fanned into flame within each of us, if we are only open to the blowing Breeze of opportunity when it comes. I am proud of the way my sister has responded to that Breeze. I am thrilled that I get to be a tiny part of the bigger story ...and that my children do ...and that anyone can.

Please pray for the Toro family as the 11 of them make the 15 hour journey via bus and across borders through cities and around mountains to their new home on Lake Atitlan next Saturday. Dios los bendiga!

(If you are interested in keeping up with the Toro family, or donating funds for the work Relief Missions is doing in Guatemala, go to www.peacelovemissions.org and/or "like" Relief Missions of Louisiana on face book.)

Welcome Home Toro Family!

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

As Little Children

I have to confess. I'm not a kid person. Maybe that's surprising since I have four of my own. (Or maybe not.) I never enjoyed babysitting. I would rather teach adults or teenagers than little ones. There's just not a natural pull inside me to hang out with kids.

However, even without the innate draw toward children, I still very much recognize incredible value in them, love them deeply, and cherish the lessons they teach me. (I mean, look how adorable these boys are with their pure unadulterated love for each other. Oh the fun of kindergarten friendships!)

I've been working on it. Being open to what children have to teach me, that is.

For example, yesterday along with a few other moms, I helped 50 or so kindergartners stamp "100"s on shirts for them to wear for the 100th day of school celebration. One by one we called them out into the hallway to get messy and enjoy their creativity! The whole event took a long while, and I was able to think while we worked, and take it all in.

Some chose to stamp all in one color, but most chose multiple colors.
Some made linear designs or patterns, but most stamped more randomly.
Some took their time deciding, pressing, peeling, deciding, pressing, peeling, while some had such excitement over the project that they couldn't stamp fast enough.
Some stamped just a few leaving plenty of white space, but most wanted to cover every square inch of the shirt.
There were such different approaches to one singular project. And it was fun to see their little right brains at work.

We had to stamp an extra shirt for an absent child, and so one of the moms took on that task, only to discover several stamps in that another little girl's name was on the t-shirt. OOPS! So, we called that little girl out and explained that we made a mistake and had already started stamping her shirt, "but you can finish it!" we said with our most upbeat, hopeful voices.

Now what response do you think we got?

Well, I have to say that what that little girl did was a blessing and lesson for us all. Instead of feeling sorry for herself over the missed opportunity to create her own pattern or pick her own colors, or throwing a fit, or crying, she made lemonade from lemons! She chose her own different colors and stamped right over the other ones, creating a fabulous shadow effect. Then she filled in some more of her own to complete her masterpiece. Now, guess who's t-shirt is the most unique of all of them and looks awesome!

A teeny-tiny five-year-old little girl chose maturity and creativity over drama. What a sweet soul! What a great lesson!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

About a year and a half ago, I read the book Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo. This kind of "christian book store cash-cow" book is not typically a go-to for me, even if it is a true story. But this particular book had been very touching to my mom in the wake of my father's passing a couple of years prior. She had encouraged me to read it, but for the most part I had ignored that suggestion, since I had plenty of other books in my "to-read" stack. But one day while shopping for some other things, I came across it and decided to buy it. Then, finally a few months later, I sat down and read it - in one inspiring, tear-filled sitting!

If you're not familiar with the story, it's about a four year old little boy named Colton Burpo who became very ill and almost died on the operating table. During the operation, he rose out of his body and spent time in heaven, comforted by Jesus, awed by God, playing with his deceased grandfather, and seeing much of the spiritual world. After an inexplicable, almost immediate recovery from his operation and sepsis, he eventually began to mention things about his heavenly experience in casual conversation with his parents, who of course were astonished. They began asking open ended questions about his time in heaven, so as not to lead his answers. This book and this boy's stories about his experiences are simply amazing. It's a book I would definitely recommend: easy to read, and incredibly impactful.

That book led me to read another book called Akiane, Her Life, Her Art, Her Poetry. Akiane Kramarik is a child prodigy in art and poetry, with an extraordinary story of Divine encounters even being born in an atheistic family.  -- When Heaven is for Real's little Colton Burpo would see portraits, drawings, or paintings of Jesus in books or churches his parents would ask him "Is that one right?" and he would always follow with some description of what was not right about them. However, one day his father came across Akiane's story and her portrait of Jesus. Akiane began at the age of four having visions of heaven and spending time in God's presence. She then began insatiably drawing, painting, and writing poetry. At the age of 9 she painted a portrait of Jesus based on her personal experiences. When Colton Burpo's father casually showed Colton a picture of Akiane's painting (with no explanation of who Akiane is) Colton looked carefully, paused, then said. "That one is right." -- Obviously I had to read Akiane's story, too. Not only would I recommend her book, but I recommend her artwork and poetry as well. What an exceptional young woman!

One of the things that lingered with Colton, and that he stressed over and over to his parents throughout months and years after his experience, was how much Jesus loves children. Over dinner, while brushing his teeth, in every prayer, concluding every bible story, Colton would emphasize, Jesus loves the children. ... You know, Jesus really loves the children. ... Hey Dad, Jesus told me to tell you that Jesus really, really loves the children. ... over and over again: Jesus loves children!

These two children, now young adults, Colton Burpo and Akiane Kramarik, both had simply remarkable experiences which they now share with the world. There was something special about those early years, the childhood years, when they were untainted by the world and open to experience God's pure love and goodness.

Jesus taught us that we should all be as little children. I believe this is the kind of thing he means. Being uncorrupted by the cynicism and jadedness of the world, and being open to encountering God without preconceived ideas obstructing the experience. Having faith. Pure faith. Faith that God loves us, wants us to have peace and joy beyond imagination, and is solely interested in our very best care.

This is the message of God's Word. This is the good news for you and me. We are to become as these children. Like Colton and Akiane who soaked it all in, like the little kindergartner who chose creativity over drama, like those precious boys pictured above who have no fear of expressing their love for each other, like the precious little ones filled with glee who want to tumble over you in the nursery play area...

See the world through the eyes of a child. Emulate the children, and in doing so we can experience the fullness of God.