True Self Love

Do you have Self Love?

My guess is that you just answered something like, "Well it depends on what she means by that. Is she talking about the bad self love or the good self love? Is she talking from a religious view or a world view?"

If you ask people about Self Love, you'll get widely differing thoughts and ideas on the topic. For some it is heralded as of utmost importance for a healthy, thriving psyche: one must love oneself. Others see it as opposing scripture and a godly worldview, and thus His purpose for us: instead one must deny oneself.

So, which is it!?

I would like to submit that it is most definitely both! What it comes down to is that we should possess Self Love and practice Self Denial. And the two are inextricably intertwined.

The co-importance and co-existence of Self Love and Self Denial is one of those amazing, mysterious paradoxes of life. The kind you have to dig deep into and chew on. The kind that can constantly ping back and forth inside your mind. It is one of those paradoxes that, if we will be content to live within instead of trying to make sense of, we will find ourselves carried by.

There are two very different types of self love. As one increases, the other decreases. One is definitely of utmost importance, and the other is a detriment to life and purpose.

The self love of inappropriate indulgence, arrogance, gluttony and pleasure is the destructive kind. This kind of self love goes against all that God wants for us. This is the kind of self love that puts our carnal wants and desires above others. It is out for our own glory and gain. If we are honest with ourselves, we know it well. It leads to addictions, to relationship issues, to greed, and ultimately to intense unhappiness - which unfortunately we usually choose to respond to with more of this kind of harmful self love. And for most of us, this kind of living produces guilt, self-hatred, and withdrawal from our relationship with God, which prevents us from living the life we were made to live.

But there is another kind of true Self Love that is of utmost importance, which actually works to bring us out of the depths of the wrong kind of self love. It is that of seeing ourselves the way God sees us.  God, even in our broken, messed up state, sees who He created us to be, and He loves us more deeply than we can even imagine. He loves us in spite of us, because he made us, he knows us, and he wants the very best for us.

You know this kind of love. You've heard how much God loves you, and you even believe it. But, do you have that kind of love for yourself? Do you truly see yourself the way God sees you and love yourself deeply? Do you love yourself in spite of your mistakes and wrong choices? OR do you struggle with guilt and self-directed anger over the way you are? Do you hate the way you look or act or keep messing up? If you cannot love yourself the way God loves you, you will also struggle to live the life you were made to live.

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In this season of Lent, it has been interesting to me that the more I meditate on my own brokenness and sin, God keeps leading me to this: a true Self Love in the midst of my humble position.

You see, if we cannot come to have that right and good kind of Self Love, then we cannot even hope to fulfill one of the greatest commandments Jesus gave us, to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. How would you treat your neighbor if you treat them like you treat yourself?

It is no wonder many of us struggle to have energy, time, and desire to give of ourselves to others. We cannot get to the point of true Self Denial because we have not come to the point of true Self Love first. The more we develop a true Self Love (as God loves us), the more wholeheartedly we can practice Self Denial: taking up our cross he has called us to bear, emptying of ourselves for the sake of others, and loving with an unexplainable Love.

When psychologists, counselors, and motivational speakers talk about "loving yourself more," some of us in the church have tended to push against that, deciding that it is counter to the Way of a Christian. But I think we need to clarify which kind of loving ourselves are we against, and which kind we desperately need to be for.

What we need to be against is the kind of love of self that makes the world revolve around us, the kind our culture bathes in (often church culture, and church-goers, as well).  The more we pursue our own carnal feelings and desires above all else, the further we get from the truth of who we are in Christ. And once we cannot see who we are in Christ anymore, we lose the vital true Self Love that is at the core of our relationship with Christ. Instead, self-loathing lies beneath the veneer of happiness and success, and we are numb and unable to love ourselves, much less anyone around us.

However, we must be for true Self Love. It is the very thing God intends for us to have. The better we get at it, the more He can use us! If we truly love ourselves, we will have love for others and be able to choose Self-Denial in the way Christ has called us to. We will truly be able to love our neighbors as we love ourselves.

I believe we have an epidemic - not only in our world, but even in the Church - of precious souls not understanding their worth and purpose, and not truly loving themselves. We either deny our identity in Christ and indulge in self-pleasure, or we are riddled with guilt and self-loathing rather than love. That is NOT God's desire. He desperately wants us to know our prized worth to Him and His purposes. He loves us, no matter what. And He knows that if we understand our worth, and love ourselves as He does, we can then fulfill the role He desires for us: as servants to others and vessels in His hands.

Therefore, we must love ourselves. It's good. It's biblical. It's what He so desperately wants us to do.

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These questions lie before each of us now. I have been pondering the answers for myself. Maybe it's your turn.

• Do I love myself?
• What things do I tell myself about me?
• Are they words God would say to me?
• Do I find myself truly having the capacity to deny myself and to love others?
• Which kind of self love am I doing the most of?