Entitlement and the Call to Love

NOTE: I wrote this in November of 2008, and published the post as "Entitlement vs. Love." It's one of my favorite posts. I still believe every word, and still believe this is an issue we all deal with every day. I wrote this from personal experience catching myself feeling entitled and realizing that I didn't like the subsequent feelings and results. Writing this really helped me to process it, and I am much better now at acting out of love rather than entitlement than I used to be; I recognize entitlement rearing up in me much more easily now. The topic has been on my mind heavily again lately, so I thought I'd repost it. It's long. Take your time with it. Let me know what you think again this time around.

the way it is


 So, why is it that we think we are entitled to whatever we want? When our forefathers wrote of our rights of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, did they have in mind the egocentric people we have become? I know our country was founded out of a desire for the best for all people, but somehow I think we've gotten it all wrong. We can't blame it on our forefathers, or our own fathers, or anyone else in particular... but we have to realize that we have a problem and then do what we can to change it!

Here are some examples of common every-day entitlement issues in our culture:

When we go to a restaurant, we feel we are entitled to the best service possible. If we don't get our food on time or as we ordered, we get huffy, complain, tip less, and leave in a bad mood.

When we drive down the road, we feel we are entitled to go where we want, however we want, with others getting out of our way. If we get honked at, or cut in front of, or not allowed in the lane we want, we get huffy, complain, call names, and get where we're going in a bad mood.

When we go shopping, we feel we are entitled to the item we want at the price we want and to buy it without waiting. If we can't find just what we want, or it's mis-priced/over-priced/damaged, or if we have to wait in line to buy it, we get huffy, complain, maybe even make a scene, and leave in a bad mood.

When we speak, we feel that we are entitled to say whatever we want. We think that just because we have the freedom by the laws of our country to do so, that makes everything we say "right." So, for example, if we feel a certain candidate for office is wrong or if someone hurt our feelings we tell, write, blog terrible things about that person (maybe along with some facts, to make it better) and we dwell on the negative and live in a bad mood.

When we make money, we feel we are entitled to keep it. If we are asked to share (charity), forced to give (taxes), or lose some (stocks, theft, etc.) we get huffy, complain, feel sorry for ourselves, even live with anger & resentment, and definitely find ourselves in a bad mood.

I don't think I need to go on....

How can this be the best way to live? We know it isn't, but our culture says it is. Commercials for "tough lawyers" say they can get us money for just about any "wrong" we feel has been committed against us. The beauty industry tells us that we "deserve" to have beautiful skin, be skinny, and feel pampered every moment of the day. Good Housekeeping seals, Better Business Bureau stamps, and the like remind us that we are entitled to "the best" of every product or service.

I know all this isn't all bad. It's fine to want to look good, be treated right, and get the best value. Because our world is so messed up, there are people all around us who have low self-esteem and don't feel valued, so as a culture we've overcompensated by telling ourselves that we deserve this, that, and everything. Our culture tells us that we can't rely on anyone else to value us, so we have to value ourselves above all. But when valuing ourselves becomes a purpose that dictates our actions above our love and value of people, then something has gone way wrong.


a new way to look at it

 I know not everyone will agree with me, or wants to live any different than the above examples... I mean, we do have rights by law to be that way! And we do need to value ourselves as dearly loved children of God! But I have to think that all the bad moods people get in are usually because of their sense of entitlement. And maybe, just maybe, the world would be a majorly better place if we let go of our sense of entitlement... at least a little bit! For sure we'd all be happier people!

For those who call themselves Christians, or who just want to simply follow Jesus (everyday I fall closer to the latter, and farther away from the former), we have to realize that Jesus never spoke of rights or entitlement or anything that elevates self. In fact, Jesus teaches quite the opposite.

Jesus speaks of loving those who wrong us (the waitress who didn't get it right, the guy who cuts us off in traffic, the clerk who is so slow). He taught by example to value every person (the candidate who stinks, the people who benefit from the money we lose, give, or is taken from us). Jesus had empathy for even the sleaziest people, the people of lowest status, the poor and marginalized, the rich and uppity. Yes, he loved them all.

I think that the more I try to view every person the way Jesus did (does), the less I feel entitled to have things my way, and the more I can let go and be happy even when things don't go my way.

It's a tricky oxymoronic truth. The more we focus on loving others, the more value we find in ourselves. We don't have to focus on our own entitlement to lift ourselves up. Somehow our lives are enriched and for fulfilled when we place purpose in valuing others.

Let me help you connect the dots here...

the way it could be

When I don't get great service at a restaurant, I think of the server as a person. This guy could be my friend. When I realize that he might be working more tables than usual, or might be having issues with the kitchen staff, or might be having stress from home, or whatever, then I can see that, while I might be "entitled" to better service, he also might be "entitled" to having a forgiving patron.

When I make money, I realize that on one hand I am "entitled" to keep it because I earned it. But on the other hand, everything I have is a gift from God, so none of it is really mine. And people who make less money, who are struggling, or those who make no money who are dying, or even those who steal from me are all people God loves just as much as he loves me, and I am not entitled to a fabulous life with money to buy whatever I please any more than they are. So, I become compelled to share with those less fortunate, and not be bitter about losing money or having less than I could if I hoarded it all. I become free from the burdens of money.

When I'm driving, I realize that the people in the other cars are people just like me, trying to get somewhere like me. No matter what my hurry is, I'm not entitled to get in front any more than they are. My time is no more valuable than theirs. So why not let them get in front of me?... what harm will that really do to me?! None, whatsoever! It actually frees me from being so angry!

Do you see that by valuing people over our own entitlement, our perspective changes?! We become less self-centered and more thoughtful of everyone as a community of people. In doing so we free ourselves from getting upset, carrying around anger over silly things, and our days can become happier for ourselves, and maybe even more meaningful to others.

Now I'm not naive enough to think that this means completely peaceful days, rosy and perfect. I know that we will still get rude gestures in traffic, we might be late to an appointment because we let someone in front of us in the grocery line, we might eat cold soup or get no refills at a restaurant without any acknowledgement or apology, and people might not even know that we are being self-less and putting their interests first! Some days we might get angry and frustrated that we're being nice and forgiving with no recognition and no one seems to care!

But I have to say that as I've been attempting to live more this way, I've been able to let go of so much angst, so much stress, and it really does make my day better. Hopefully it has also made someone else's day better along the way too! When I go through life thinking of others I pass by as people with stories like mine, with days to get through like me, with joys and sorrows and bad days and good days, I don't have to be sour about putting their interests first. It can just naturally flow from the love that is in me through Jesus.

Living this way has also made me even more aware of times when other people act this way toward me, forgiving my oopses, allowing me to go first, or valuing me as a person over their opinion. Some people might say that the universe is giving back what I'm putting out there, but I'd say it's just God's gift of awareness of the good in life that becomes more acute when you are acting that way, too.

the challenge

So, here's a challenge to everyone out there to live life with less entitlement, and more love for others. See if it makes a difference!

Let someone get in front of you in line... don't expect a thank you from anyone... forgive the rude comment a friend makes... tip the waitress who gave you terrible service... and smile along the way, because you're not letting it get to you... you're blessed in spite of it all!