A Journal Entry

Today's post is not the culmination of a life lesson I feel led to share, nor the result of a word from God, or Bible study, or an epiphany. It's more like just a journal entry to let you (and future me) know what's going on. Feel free to skip it ...unless you enjoy peaking into someone else's psyche. :)

I'm in a weird place. And it's okay.

I don't always think it's okay. But today I do.

I know that I am supposed to learn a lesson in humility this year (because that is the word God gave me this New Year, like he did "silence" last year), and these last couple of months I can definitely see that. I have been struggling through doubts that are uncharacteristic of me - possibly because they have just been buried for too long. I am thankful God gave me a heads up by giving me the word "humility," since that kind of makes this season seem more purposeful and bearable.

It's been a month since I last blogged. Actually I think it's good. It's funny that I just read my last blog post, and it really encouraged me. I've been removed long enough from the writing of it, that it was like I was reading someone else's post. And I needed to hear it's message. God's pretty good at what he does.

This writing thing really is cool. I'm still figuring it out. Sometimes it comes easy, and sometimes it is painfully awkward and slow. Sometimes when I re-read things like I just did, it is so clear that I am merely a conduit for something greater going on. A couple of times lately when I have been working on something so intensely, then have stepped away and come back to re-read it, I've had the thought, "That's good! I want to use that quote" only to laugh and realize I wrote it. And goodness, it's not that I think my writing is so great. Far from it. I continually struggle with, "Why would anyone need/want to read/hear what I have to say." It's definitely a battle in my head.

Even though I haven't blogged, I've actually written a lot. I've been posting snippets on my facebook page, and I've been writing for a retreat that's coming up. My first retreat to lead. God, I feel so unworthy. But I'm choosing courage.

In processing my internal struggles as of late, I see it like this. The lessons I am feeling led to teach, of course, I am trying to make sure I am living. On the one hand, I am writing (teaching) from a place of knowing and having been taught. On the other hand, my inadequacies are being laid bare as I learn from the lessons I'm teaching. Yes, that's an uncomfortable place to be.

And then there's the struggle to balance my current passion, writing, with my everyday life as mom, wife, and house/family manager. I can spend hours writing, end up with a couple of good paragraphs, and the chores and errands have seemed to double. Guilt ensues.

Another note: I have noticed the settling in of my daily roles: mainly writer 8-3, and mainly taxi driver 3-8.

So, I suppose this is a re-defining year for me: My first year with all the kids in school. My first year to write and speak and encourage professionally. My first year to fall apart in doubt. And (choosing to speak it into existence) my first year to arise from the doubt and flourish.

This I know: God is faithful.

It's all good.