I don't know what I am doing

How's that for a title.

It's a pretty humbling action: to admit that I have no idea what I am doing. It's even a bit defeatist, if you ask me. I normally would never say that because, I mean, surely I know what I'm doing - at least a little bit. It's crazy to say that I don't know what I'm doing. Sounds like someone with low self-esteem and a negative attitude.

But God spoke to me today - piercing deep into my soul - through the message in church this morning* about Christ's first words on the cross... As He was hanging on the cross being executed for who He is, Jesus said "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." It's ludicrous to think that those words would be spoken by the crucified to his crucifiers, but Jesus did. And it was out of the purest Love and Truth that I cannot even fathom.

I get the concept that although I was not alive in 30ish AD and I did not participate in the actual events of that execution, I in fact am responsible for crucifying Jesus. My sin killed Jesus. He died for me. And He forgives me, just as He did those who physically nailed him to the cross. But I never have actually personalized those words of Jesus in the way I did today. Why? Because

I don't want to admit that I don't know what I am doing.

I still have too much pride.

I don't want to admit that I'm nothing. I don't want to admit that if God didn't love me and Jesus didn't die for me that I'd be a pile of dirt. I mean, I'm a pretty resourceful person. I'm fairly bright. I'm well-off enough. I'm gifted in many things. I'm a nice, kind, good person. I've got this living on earth thing figured out quite well. And I'm smart enough to have realized my need for Christ and have given my life to Him....

Do you hear it? I. I. I... I'm breaking my arm patting myself on the back for being a smart, well-educated, American-born, Christian. I even think it's MY choice to accept Christ that has saved me. It's all about what I have done and who I have become. What a load of CRAP! What an enormous LIE! What kind of twisted self-image is that! It's absolutely what I've been (hopefully inadvertently) taught! But is that what I want to teach my own children? Is that the fallacy we want the next generation to hold on to?

The truth is none of us know what in the world we're doing. We're all just here taking the best shot at life we can. We try education, money, fame, charity, religion... and NONE of that means anything. Think about it. All those things are hollow and empty when you get down to the bottom of them.

That is, unless and until we get over ourselves and in humility open up to a relationship with the One Who completely knows what He is doing. It is He who pursues a love relationship with each one of us so that He can do wonderful things in and through us for His purposes and His glory. To actively enter into this relationship is a decision we have to make, but it shouldn't be done with an ounce of pride. In aligning ourselves with our Creator, we must acknowledge that we are and would be nothing without Him. And He doesn't need me at all to accomplish anything. He is Good and True and Love and Creator and King. And I am not. Not. one. little. tiny. bit.

So how is it that I have so much pride in me? What does God have to do to get through to me about my own self-elevating issues? What will it take to make me admit that I know nothing?

God, I don't know what I am doing. My existence is only about You, and You alone know what You are doing. Please forgive me for ever thinking otherwise. Continue to remind me of this, to pierce my soul, and humble me. And thank you for allowing me to be Yours.


*Thank you, Pastor Ellis. His sermon can be heard here.